
Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. (Ephesians 6:4 ESV)
One day in a small group of Christian men I listened to a friend describe a low point of his fathering experience. His son had transgressed some rule that seemed so important at the time. He snapped, and began yelling at, and berating his son. The way he tells the story, he was looking into his son's eyes and something happened. I picture it like a light going off deep inside his son's head. That day left a scar. It was the straw that broke the boy's back. His son put up walls and became distant and cold toward him. From the strain in his face and the tears welling in his eyes, as he told this short story, I could see that those scars of regret remained on my friend's heart as well.
I thank God for the courage that He gave to allow that story to be shared, and the trust inherent in our Christian brotherhood that allows one man to be open with another about shortcomings and failures. The truth is, we all fail. When we can be open about our faults they can be turned from black marks into valuable tools. Tools that can help those around us to be more honest and self aware. Tools that can create an ideal environment for God to effect real change in our hearts.
I think it was a mixture of things that made that story have such an impact on me. Perhaps, there is a psychoanalytical answer in which I was identifying with his son, and connecting it to the memory of my own dad raising his voice at me when I was young. I believe that it was more about identifying with the father in the scenario, and a rising fear that I might become that kind of dad. At the time I think we only had one little baby, but I knew that I didn't ever want to get to that point with my own children. Either way I was very affected by that tale of woe, and stored it up in my heart as a tool that I might need later.
I will confess that I have spent years in prayer trying to maintain control over anger. God has been gracious towards me, and much of my hotheadedness was burned out in my youth. There is something about an obstinate child, though... Kids, especially your own kids, always seem to know how to push your buttons. Because of my temper my struggle lately has been to keep from being the family bully. Most of it can probably be chalked up to my own pride. ("How dare they act that way towards me!") I have to make a conscious effort not to react to things based on my flimsy idea of what might bruise my pride. Indeed, I pray that God might rid me of my false sense of pride completely. "One's pride will bring him low, but he who is lowly in spirit will obtain honor." (Proverbs 29:23 ESV) There is something to the fact that kids are in tune with the nuances in your personality, though. They know when they are getting to you, and they like to push things as far as they think they can get away with.
When I was a kid I was the same way. I distinctly remember one evening, when I was about nine, and we had been pushing my dad. I know without asking that this would not be a "proud father moment", but my father gave me a profoundly important gift that day. My siblings and I were the recipients of a bit of my father's wrath. We had pushed too far and it had ended in expletives. I had heard him curse before, but never towards us. Although I can't be certain, I don't remember it ever happening again. The gift was not the angry outburst or the words used, but what followed.
Later that evening he called us into the living room and asked that we would forgive him for what had happened. At the time I felt awkward and even confused. My dad was the most powerful person in my life, and he could be very proud. It was shocking to see him exhibit that level of humility. I can not tell you how important it was for me to be a part of that moment. My father had shown a spirit of service towards us, and more importantly he had openly displayed that he was deferring all judgment to God. I knew in that moment that my dad loved us. I knew in that moment that my dad needed the grace of God.
Our children have intrinsic value in God's eyes. They are individuals with souls and hearts and minds. It is helpful to me when I remember that these little people are in a struggle with their sin nature. They are tempted and tried just as we are. And, in like kind, they are in need of grace. We are to be as Christ to our family. We must be generous with our grace towards them.
When I am struggling in my role as disciplinarian, I try to use the tools at my disposal. I look to God for direction. The spirit of love and service, displayed by a proud father brought low, shines as an example. And, the cautionary tale of a friend, sounds it's gentle warning.
I would never want my kids find this post some day and be riddled with guilt over the grief they put me through. It is my sincere hope that my children would read this post as the musings of a transparent father who is willing to be molded by God into the man he ought to be.
My son, do not despise the Lord's discipline or be weary of his reproof, for the Lord reproves him whom he loves, as a father the son in whom he delights. (Proverbs 3:11, 12 ESV)
- Posted from my iPhone